Online dating hell

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It’s midnight and I’m still waiting for the guy I met on Hinge to reply to my Whats App text (we moved to Whats App after a week of pretty great, hilarious conversation on the app).He’s left me on read and he’s been online several times since. I’m asking myself if I did something wrong if my message was weird or not funny, or just generally quite boring.They knew I laughed at the same twisted parts in other people and they knew that my harsh, confident exterior was only a shield I used to protect the vulnerabilities crawling beneath the surface.I didn’t need to worry about them rejecting me if I was to relax around them.Maybe I need to somehow learn how to remove the emotion from it. Maybe people with anxiety are just meant to be alone. It takes a slight change for me to latch on to it and convince myself everything is falling apart. Maybe I need to learn how to emptily screw strangers and walk away the next morning as if we hadn’t just shared the most intimate parts of ourselves. My thoughts are spiraling and now he’s there fucking someone else and I’m here in the dark, discarding him from my mind. My phone flashes with a message from him, as if he hasn’t ignored me for five hours. I reply and I fall asleep and I know the cycle will begin tomorrow. He said: “The evidence shows the defendant to have met and murdered Usha Patel, and assaulted Rosie Ferrigno, at a time when he was driven by compulsions to drink, take cocaine, and have sex.

"The defendant killed Usha Patel in her home that evening, possibly into the early hours of Thursday, after she had put [her son] to bed." A post mortem revealed she had been ferociously beaten, strangled and stabbed 13 times in the stomach and the cause of death was recorded as compression of the neck, blunt head injury and alcohol intoxication.

It’s like a chess game of anxiety, knowing one foot in the wrong direction could blow the whole game apart. I think back to our date, the way he looked at me as if he couldn’t quite believe I was real. I think of how he understood my creativity because he too had suffered the journey himself.

I think of the way he kissed me, how it felt as if I could kiss him forever and never grow tired of his lips.

Donnelly has a string of convictions for threatening and abusive behaviour, possession of a knife, criminal damage, robbery, racially aggravated assault, assault occasioning actual bodily harm over an attack on a prison officer, battery, and other acquisitive crimes.

Prosecutor Simon Denison QC told the court that a psychiatric assessment had found Donnelly to have a “psychopathic personality”.

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